Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23
Series: Marriage and Singleness
“The Marriage Covenant”
For millions in our contemporary culture the idea of a satisfying, successful marriage is impossible. In almost every country in western civilisation, the proportion of divorces to marriages has soared dramatically since the 1960s. In this country we are reaching a situation where there is nearly one divorce for every 2 marriages. Authors Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe how in the 1950s the rules were clear: first love, next marriage and then children. But the social tsunami that struck in the 1960s changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family. One statistic alone shows this clear point of transition that has affected us ever since: just 14% of women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50% of those married in the late 60s and early 70s had already divorced. The divorce rate has now moved from being rare to routine. But divorce is no answer. Reports have found that a greater number of divorcees experience greater health problems- including mental and emotional health problems- than their married or never married counterparts, and a greater number of these are admitted for psychiatric care.
A misguided substitute for marriage is co-habitation or “living together”. I say misguided because the fact is that cohabiting couples are five times more likely to break up than married couples. One typical report found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long lasting marriage that it suggests unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. It argued that living together is a “fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children. Apparently a big part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter a “live-in” relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long term commitment. Women, however, often see the living together arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. So while the women may believe that they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.
So, where does that leave us? Perhaps the problem is not marriage itself, rather we are the problem. Another statistic since the 1960s in this country is the decline in those holding to a committed Christian faith. This can be set alongside the decline in marriage. To know what marriage is really about we have to look at what God intended marriage should be. He is our Creator and He knows what is best for us. The Bible teaches what God intended for marriage.
Remember this is Christian teaching about marriage: What God intended for us and our marriages. Mere human ideas and effort leave us flat on our face. This teaching is for Christian couples. Not that Christian couples are superior. Far from it. The whole point is that the Christian recognises they do not have the power or motivation to live in any way God intends. The Christian has come to the point where he realises he was bound by the Sinful Nature: Ephesians 2:3: “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”. The
sinful nature’s impulse is to ignore/rebel against God. We naturally don’t want Him or His ways. It’s our natural pride that thinks we know best and so go our own way. That’s what causes family problems. It is out of this inner rebellion against God’s will that there is tension between husband and wife, parent and child. That pride had to be nailed to the cross. There the Christian sees Christ’s sacrifice for them. Resulting in a forgiveness undeserved and the imparting of a new life generously and freely given. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Cor.5:17). God wants to recreate us. And one way He will do that is through our marriages.
Today I want us to see that marriage as God intended is a Covenant. As we unpack what this means in a person’s relationship to God and to their spouse we will discover the vital key to successful marriage.
In the Old Testament we read of God’s covenant with Israel. Through Moses God promised them that if they kept God’s law they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. Deut. 11:21 told them their homes would be like “heaven on earth”. Twelve hundred years later, through the prophet Malachi it was clear the people had failed to meet God’s conditions so they had not enjoyed the level of life He had planned for them. Especially in their home life and marriages: Malachi 2:13,14 “another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant”. Israel’s failure wasn’t a lack of religion. They covered the alter with their tears. It’s this phrase “the wife of your marriage covenant” they had not understood. Israel had come to view marriage as a relationship for which they might set their own standards- one they were free to start or stop on their own terms. They had a wrong view of marriage. But here God reminds them He sees marriage differently. He sees it as a covenant.
Jesus’ own teaching from Matthew 19:3-9 gives us a fuller revelation about the marriage covenant. This passage was read earlier. We can sum up Jesus teaching here in four points:
- The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will. Like today the people then were too quick to seek a divorce and had made Moses concession about divorce into a right (Moses had only made the concession because of their hardness of heart).
- God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman: verse 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”
- In this initial union of man and woman they were so perfectly joined together that God viewed their marriage relationship as being of “one flesh”. Jesus added “So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.
- It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of his disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.
Notice it was God who was directly involved with the creation and union of Adam and Eve. It was God’s idea that Adam should have a wife. It was God who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. This is true whenever God establishes covenants we read about in the Bible. He sovereignly initiates a covenant out of His own choice and decision. Men and women do not set the terms, we simply respond to God’s offer of covenant.
What else can be said about the nature of covenant?
When God enters into a covenant, there is no more He can do to commit Himself. Covenant represents God’s final, irrevocable commitment.
The Old Testament traces the nature of God’s commitment to Abraham and to the people of Israel through covenants made with Abraham, Moses and David. In response to these covenants God called for faithful obedience. The hopes expressed in the Davidic covenant become focused on the hope of a Messiah.
The final expression of God’s commitment to His people is found in our New Testament or New Covenant. The New Covenant fulfils the Old Testament covenants. It is mediated by Jesus Christ the promised Messiah, and sealed in his blood. It is a covenant offered to all. It speaks of God’s total commitment towards all who put their faith in Christ, that God will save and bless them completely and for all Eternity.
It is a covenant of grace- we enter into it not through any merit on our part, but-because of Christ’s sacrifice for us- we receive forgiveness, a renewed relationship with God and through the Holy Spirit an inward transformation that enables obedience to God. Biblical covenant then, speaks of God’s total commitment towards us His people in Christ.
In the Bible the word covenant is taken from 2 Hebrew words, “karoth berith”, which means to cut a covenant. In the Old Testament the animal sacrifice was cut into parts and the 2 parts were placed opposite one another with a space in between. The people who were making the covenant passed between the 2 parts of the sacrifice. An example of this is found in Jeremiah 34:18-20. There it would appear that in due course the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of sacrifice. By that strange act, the Lord entered into a covenant commitment with Abram. In the New Testament it was the body of Jesus that was cut by the nails and the spear. Cutting is implied by the word “covenant”.
Sacrifice is integral to covenant. The Bible is clear that without a sacrifice there is no covenant. Animal sacrifices preceded God’s covenants in the Old Testament. This prefigured what was to happen in the New Testament. Christ’s sacrifice for our sins had to take place before we could appropriate the promised benefits of the New Covenant.
Covenant expresses total commitment, cutting, sacrifice and death. Covenant is valid only through death. As each party walked through between the pieces of the slain animal, described in the Old Testament, he was saying, in effect, “That is my death. That animal died as my representative. He died in my place. As I enter into this covenant, I enter by death. Now that I am in covenant, I have no more right to live”.
The necessity of death to make a covenant valid is emphasized in Hebrews 9:16-18: “In the case of a will (or covenant-same meaning) it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a covenant is only in force when somebody has died: it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This was why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood…” So the one who enters into covenant is saying “I have died to myself and if need be I will die for you. From now on, your interests take precedence over my own. I no longer live for myself, I live for you”.
Marriage is a covenant in God’s eyes. And having taken some time to explore the nature of biblical covenant we will see the implications of this for Christian marriage:
We have seen a covenant requires sacrifice. Christian marriage is based on the death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. A Christian man and woman pass into the relationship of marriage as God ordained. Just as the Lord and Abram passed between the pieces of slain animals, so in marriage a man and wife pass through the death of Jesus into a new life and new relationship together. They are made new in Christ. They have been given the Holy Spirit who prompts them to live out their new natures, empowered by Him. They are ready to show grace towards each other just as they have received grace from God. They are ready to forgive one another just as they have freely received forgiveness from the Lord. In Ephesians Paul describes how unbelieving Jews and gentiles once alienated from each other, were reconciled and built together as family once they had discovered their new life in Christ. So too the Christian husband and wife are given the power to be reconciled whatever their differences in background or temperament. Their differences are no longer a source of strife but seen as a means of complementing and completing one another.
Covenant involves total commitment towards the good of the other. Having experienced that total commitment from God for themselves, the Christian man and wife know they need to show that to one another. That is the very essence of covenant. The heart of marriage. Without enduring commitment the relationship is in a state of permanent crisis in which every unpleasantness, problem or disagreement can easily escalate into a heavy discussion about whether the partners really belong together: if I do not please my partner’s every whim, if I reveal my true feelings, and if I show my needy side my partner may decide to leave. But in the context of absolute commitment the partners have room to be themselves, honour their differences, face their problems openly and in the process, deepen their joining.
It is Christian “agape” love which is the glue of commitment in Christian marriage. A perfect commitment to an imperfect person. This is what the Bible calls grace. Our sinful nature is not capable of showing grace. Naturally we only love if the other does this or that. If they deserve it. But Christ shows us who are imperfect a perfect commitment and we must show it to one another. This love is costly. It means denying our old sinful, selfish nature that wants to be self-indulgent or self-righteous. It is a sacrificial love. Again we are at the heart of covenant- sacrifice.
This is the same kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” It’s clear from this description that this love is not a feeling at all. It is sacrificial commitment, rooted in the will, not the emotions. God calls us to love- volitionally and unconditionally-then we will find ourselves behaving in ways that run completely counter to our feelings. Emotionally we might want to attack, but God’s unconditional love calls us to sacrifice that sinful urge and care instead. Emotionally we may want to withdraw, but God’s unconditional love calls us to persevere and to sacrificially endure our pain in order to bring healing out of conflict.
Richard Coekin in his book “A Few Good Men” writes about covenant commitment and says “I once talked to a man who taught me what covenant commitment involves. His wife was psychiatrically ill. She had manic depression. At its worse she would be sexually promiscuous. With a heavy heart he told me whenever he walked into the town where he lived, he knew that a number of the men he met had slept with his wife. The pain of this was unbearable. But he said he had promised on his wedding day to love her ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ That’s covenant commitment.”
And the marriage covenant is marked by death. Death to ourselves. Our contemporary attitude is “What can I get?” This only leads to loss. Rather we must ask “What can I give?” that’s sacrifice. But when we say the covenant is marked by our own death then we realise the nature of our sacrifice for the other must be total. Just as Christ died for us the husband and wife must lay down their lives for one another. Both husband and wife look back to the cross and say “That death was my death. When I came through the cross, I died. Now I am no longer living for myself.”
It is only in this self-renunciation that the “one flesh” nature of their marriage can be fully realised. Husband and wife are no longer living independently in some kind of loose
partnership. Rather, in dying to themselves and laying down their lives for one another they are merging into “one flesh” on every level –spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and so find their lives in covenant together. The marriage covenant God always intended for husbands and wives.
This is the truth about marriage. God’s truth. There’s no higher/better understanding of marriage, because marriage is not a human idea. Marriage is ordained by God. It’s clear we need to be in covenant with God ourselves if we are to enjoy the lasting benefits of marriage as He intended.
Of course every marriage can hit problems. At such times it can help us if we reflect on what we actually did on our wedding day when we covenanted together in the presence of God. The symbols of cutting, sacrifice and covenant are there for all to see if we look. As the bride walks down the aisle she symbolises the sacrifice both families have made in bringing up their children. The groom stands at the front awaiting his bride to symbolise the day Jesus will receive His bride. The groom stands away from his family to symbolise he has left his father and mother- a cutting away. The bride is given away, again to symbolise a leaving. Rings are exchanged to symbolise a joining together-“one flesh”. Cutting of the wedding cake is to symbolise the cutting of the covenant. The toast symbolises that one day those of us who are in Christ will lift up the cup and drink of the new wine with Jesus in heaven. It’s good to reflect back on your wedding in this way- never forget you entered into a marriage covenant before God on that day.
(For wider reading see the book entitled “Marriage Covenant” by Derek Prince.)
David Barnes 28/6/23